Whispers in the dark

That’s what I’m doing right now isn’t it? Whispering into the dark? No one can see me, and you can only hear me if you pay attention. It’s a defense mechanism. 100%. Its an effective one at that.

I purposely share of myself in a way that only those who really want to hear what I have to say have to listen. I’m constantly worried that I’m boring people, or upsetting people, or keeping people from things they would rather be doing. To compensate for and hide that little anomaly about myself I take a back seat in life, waiting for people to come to me, to let me know they are interested in what I have to say, and only then do I open my mouth.

Even this. No one asked me to write this blog, but it’s like talking in an empty room with the door wide open. If someone walks by and is interested in what I am saying they are free to enter and even join in if they like. I love comments, even the negative ones. They show me people are reading, and give me an insight into what people might enjoy.

This is a struggle for me, and I’m treating this like my diary from day to day, discussing what’s on my mind and trying to organize the way I feel about things. I put it on the web because knowing I’m not alone helps me drastically and I’d like to think I provide the same for at least a few other people. I have gotten an email or two thanking me, so I must be doing something right. For those who aren’t comfortable with that, that’s alright too. I’m glad you are reading anyway.

My mind is running in circles, this is a lot to process in a short amount of time. That mental disorganization sometimes comes across here and if I seem a little inconsistent I apologize, if there is a particular aspect of the blog or type of entry you enjoy let me know and I’ll see what I can do. Otherwise I’m sure the topic or genre will come back around if you watch for it. I express myself constantly and in many ways, but I can be a little spotty about the application. Keeping up with my brain is a full time job that keeps creating backlog.

Cheers.

The "cure" for my "problem"

I’m baffled by the concepts of normal, and typical, and common sense that isn’t common and doesn’t often make any sense at all. I don’t understand the world’s propensity towards dishonesty and untruth. “Honest to a fault” is the most ludicrous thing I have ever heard. Whose fault are we talking about here and why does the truth need to be anyone’s fault at all? Why can’t the truth just be what it is? I spend my life asking these questions, and haven’t found an answer yet.

The only way to achieve balance in my life is by being honest with myself and the people around me about who I am and what I need. I tried bluffing, I tried faking it, I tried pretending I was just like the rest of them. I tried and failed, but I tried and succeeded with surprising frequency as well, only to return home still overwhelmed and miserable in the long run, drug down by the pressures of the role I was playing day after day after day. I tried to be someone I wasn’t for the sake of the mass majority that they could continue to be comfortable in their idea of what was right and normal and the best thing for everybody, but the truth still sang beneath the surface until my ears rang with its echo and my head pounded to its rhythm. The inside of my head was a raging storm of confusion as I tried to make my needs meet the standards of a world that thought I was getting by just fine. Interesting that now, as I have reached calm and balance, they think there is something wrong with me that needs to be remedied. I’ve found the cure, and they are still confused about the problem.

The only disabling thing I suffer from is judgment, the rest of my life is calm and peaceful and I’m quite content with what I have. That’s more than can be said for most people out there trying to “make it in the real world”. If I sought a cure for who I am, the things that form my personality, what would be left? What would it matter if I could enjoy having more friends if all of the things my real friends love about me were lost in the process? I have spent 30 years in self evaluation to get myself to a point where I have all the things I need to make me happy and content in my day to day life and what would be the point in throwing all of that away in order to have things I don’t really want in the first place. Really, they ought to stop trying to cure me, and start trying to accept me. It’s much more within their realm of influence.

Suffering From Judgment

Floating around on youtube this morning I came across a video discussing how we do not suffer from Asperger’s we suffer from society.

This is something I have thought about many times over the years, even before being diagnosed with AS. I have never suffered from my differences, only from the judgment of others about the value of those differences. When held up in contrast to their own needs my life seems hollow and disconnected and so it’s easy for them to jump to the conclusion that there must be something wrong with me. They fail to see how full and rich it is when compared to my own desires.

30 years of being told there is something wrong with you takes its toll, and I feel it through secondary mental disorders. As time passed and I was increasingly expected to take part in society as a “normal” person I developed anxiety and a social phobia. Although I don’t imagine I would have either of these were it not for AS in my life, I’m quite certain they are not a symptom of the AS itself but rather a symptom of societies reaction to my differences. The social phobia is almost a benefit now; I feel much less guilt about my inability to function in the outside world when I’m not making constant attempts to do it. Still I hear on a regular basis that this is no way to live my life, that there must be something wrong, that I ought to be looking for a cure.

Am I angry about it? Not really, I cannot blame the vast majority for not knowing any better, it is after all not something they have been prompted to think about. Those that should know better but don’t are another story, but I am happy to know their true character and even more happy to leave them out of my life. I just think it would be a vast improvement if people stopped trying to decide what was “right” for everyone else.

Diagnosis

Yesterday my Doctor asked me what I thought getting diagnosed with AS would change about my life. It was an excellent question and it has provoked a lot of thought, because the answer in a nutshell is nothing and everything.

I am aware that when it comes to society as a whole this isn’t going to change things. Knowing why I feel the way I do in social settings doesn’t make it any easier to go out and experience them. The average person isn’t going to go out and do a lot of research about Aspergers, looking for a way to interact with me on my level. Things will continue on as they always have and there will always be misunderstanding in my life. I’m ok with that; I don’t have a lot in common with the vast majority of people and I can see no point in spending my life trying to explain myself to them. Let them think what they want, I am content.

Where this will make a difference is in my one on one interactions with the people whose opinions I do care about, and here it will make all the difference in the world. Just knowing that there is a reason for the way I am has already made a huge impact on my life. I still feel like I live in a parallel universe, but I no longer feel alone here. I feel as though I have found a way to reach across the gap and occasionally pull someone in with me, to see it my way, to listen to what I have to say and view the world from a different perspective. It’s to finally be able to put words to the things I have thought about for so long and not feel like I will be ridiculed and laughed at for feeling the way I do.

Its easy to see where AS has colored my life through the past, and I have been doing far too much thinking about it these last few weeks. Its odd because I have never had a problem with dwelling in the past but this last little while I have been letting it drag me down. Its time to get back to the moment, and right here, right now, things are pretty damn good. I have a boyfriend who is open minded and understanding, a best friend who totally gets where I’m coming from, and a daughter who is a joy to be around at 12 years old. My needs are few and they are all taken care of. I have plenty of time alone to think and do the things I feel the need to do. It took me 30 years but I have reached a place in my life where I am completely content, even the rough patches are no bumpier than anyone else’s. My life isn’t for everyone, or even the vast majority, but then their lives aren’t for me either.

Being diagnosed is providing me with a different perspective, showing me that it’s unrealistic to compare my life to theirs and hope to come to any viable conclusion of good or bad. If nothing else, it’s allowing me to look at things in a new light and see that there is nothing wrong with being exactly who I am.